A few weeks ago during a session of acupuncture I found myself saying out loud "I just want to fall apart." And tears came to my eyes....
A conversation followed during which my acupuncturist asked why I couldn't allow myself to do that and I talked about all kinds of practical things like dogs to walk and feed and love, and issues of necessary cash flow etc. and even as I spoke about these things, I knew that this longing I had just given voice to, needed to be heard and presenced. I intuitively knew that ignoring it would probably take me towards another cardiac arrest.
As I walked home I wondered what I valued so much more than my own life that I would risk holding myself together for this elusive ideal.
I recognised that it was all just a perspective. I was making a choice to look through a particular lens that felt at once limiting, and at the same time, safe.
I wondered why I couldn't give myself permission to do what my body was asking me to do.
I saw that even after 2 months off work in self-reflection and mostly stillness, I'd returned to work and pretty quickly absorbed a lot of the habits and ideas that had created the shock of a heart problem originally. In this moment I could see that I had a choice to not step back onto this trajectory and to let myself fall apart... I softened and began to imagine doing this step by step, moment by moment in a wave of gentle surrender.
The next day I woke up (practically and metaphorically) and made some decisions in favour of allowing myself to fall apart. I gave myself permission to surrender deeply to the process I felt I was in ...and whilst I have continued to do some client work, I've now also given lots of space to my longing to write, which seems to nourish me deeply and will hopefully nourish others when it's completed and read. I gave up things I'd been planning to do or spend money on, and prioritised having the choice to work less.
It's four months today since I had an unexpected cardiac arrest and in conversation yesterday I was reminded of the illogical lead-up to that event. Not that heart attacks are logical, but somehow I'd always believed that it would arise out of stress and tension... whereas at the time it happened, I was on day two of a short holiday, staying in a lovely home by the sea, with no responsibilities, no dogs to walk, and nobody to interfere with me doing whatever I wanted to do for 5 days. I'd spent the morning engaged in joyful creativity and felt passionate about the new project I'd been playing with.
I think it was shocking to me because there were no physical warning signs but also because I realised I had previously equated heart attacks with stress and unhappiness. And of course, I'd experienced quite a lot of stress and unhappiness in the previous few years... so there is some logic to the subtle but powerful effect of chronic stress on our organs and the major systems of our body... even when we're not aware that it's happening quietly on the inside.
In retrospect I now feel as though the last few months have prepared me well for this global moment in time. Life as I knew it had already been abruptly curtailed and I had to learn to sit with myself and to reflect on what I really wanted in my life. Did I even want Life? There was a lot of ambivalence in me for quite a while, and now, as I've allowed myself to spend time writing on a daily basis, I feel much more interested in being here.
Now labelled as an "at risk" person :-/ in these strange times, I'm watching the unfolding of the corona virus panic with curiosity and amusement. I don't mean to imply that "it's nothing" but there seem to be enough facts out there to bring into question the idea that this is the equivalent of the Plague and will be death of us all.
What makes me curious and amused is that in consensus reality there appears to be a general agreement to see this virus as something deadly serious, and I'm curious about the unconscious longing that is manifesting by choosing to look at humanity and society through such a lens.
It seems to me that humanity is consciously choosing it to be a wake up call, an excuse not to carry on with business as usual, a way to fall apart and to say "I don't want to do this anymore, there has to be a better way."
Maybe the heightened focus on climate change in the last few years has generated this more focused lens through which people are deciding to view life?
Maybe as a tribe we want to stop dismissing our vulnerability and sensitivity and give it some healthy attention?
Maybe people driven by making lots of money want to stop and pay attention to love and connection?
Maybe parents want to spend more time with their children?
Maybe neighbours want to get to know each other in a deeper way?
Maybe people want to stop whizzing about the world in planes because they know it's killing us and the planet?
Maybe people want to connect globally but spend their energy locally?
Maybe there are things we all want to enjoy but we haven't been allowing ourselves the space or time for joy?
From what I understand there is a simple mutation of a corona virus which apparently happens year after year and there is nothing new in this. Corona viruses have been coming and going for years now without us creating a panic about them. There are statistics being quoted that are not based on any kind of rigorous parameters and therefore producing results that generate fear. See more about these things here.
There is much talk of testing and urgency about finding a vaccine which has a very strange logic indeed. See more about that here.
There is a suggestion that every time a new technology like 5G is launched there is a new global threat to our health... a new virus that emerges. A Scientific American blog quotes the effects of 5G technology as including increased cancer risk, cellular stress, increase in harmful free radicals and oxidative stress, genetic damage, structural and functional changes of the reproductive system, learning and memory deficits, neurological disorders, and negative impacts on general well-being in humans.
Maybe we're being deliberately distracted by the media so 5G can be quietly implemented while we're all worrying about an allegedly new virus?
Those who are vulnerable will always be vulnerable to the latest virus or to any other bacteria looming in our environment. There's nothing new happening and most normally healthy people will generate a fever which will effectively kill the virus and they'll recover.
Infared saunas are a very useful preventative or support if you're ill or afraid of becoming ill, as they will raise the internal body temperature so the virus can't survive. As will a good quality high wattage infrared light you can use at home to generate optimal cell vitality and boost your vital force.
This video contains some useful information about the nature of the virus. Although I'm not sure the hair dryer method is viable, the other information supports the understanding that our bodies are designed to handle these things and that the virus is fragile, in the sense that it's dependent on the right environmental conditions.
Our DNA is made for healthy adaptation in changing circumstances. Let's trust that nature knows what she's doing. In relation to Covid19 for generally healthy folks, fever is our cure and fear is the subtle killer.
Meanwhile as we go about our now restricted lives, I think the most useful thing we can do is to find the wisdom that's wanting to emerge from this unexpected experience we're all agreeing to have.
What is it in your life that would change for the better if you let everything fall apart?
What would your version of a new normal look like, if you could manifest your highest vision for humanity?
While we do the practical things to avoid the spread of the virus to those who are most vulnerable, we also need to look deeply behind these events and discover what it is that's wanting to "go viral"...
Maybe it's that we all want to fall ....not apart... but fall back into love with a gentler version of life and back into love with ourselves and each other.